Tales of a Misguided Mommy

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The time I almost died...also known as HOLY SHIT BIG SPIDER SAVE ME

So last week I'm coming home from the gym and I notice the lights on in the office next door.  This is weird because my mom never leaves her office light on.  I asked if she was still at the office and she told me that she wasn't.  The next obvious step was for me to investigate.  Strange stuff has been happening at my office.  A few weeks ago the alarm went off but nothing was out of place.  A few days before that, after locking up every door in the office, later in the night when I walked out back I found the metal security door wide open and both locks on the office door unlocked.  That is not possible.  There are several theories about ghosts in our office and that was the first week I nearly  believed them.

Back to the part where I almost die.  Because of all the weird shit going on I decide to grab my gun before entering the shop.  I enter and find my moms office wide open with the lights on.  Not only does she never leave her light on but she NEVER leaves her door opened.  I looked around the office and found nothing out of sorts so I locked up and left.  When I went out the front door I decided to walk towards the garage to see if someone had gone in that way.

The path to the garage is about 3 feet wide.  On the left side is a stacked wood pile.  On the right side is a rock type wall that is the back part of a planter.  You have to walk between these two things to get to the garage door.  As I'm walking I think to myself, "fuck I hate going over here there is always black widows."

Right at that very second I looked down and saw a giant black widow in the center of the walk way dangling from a piece of web.

I nearly pissed myself.  The spider was shin height from the floor.  If I had taken one more step I would have walked directly into the black widow, applying it directly to my bare leg.

I panicked.  I panicked so hard.  I didn't even know what to do.  I texted my husband who told me to shoot it, and you guys for about four seconds I strongly considered shooting that fucking spider.  Finally I saw a kids blue plastic bat with a flat bottom and I grabbed that.  I positioned the bat directly above the spider and stabbed down.  I did not hit the spider. Instead I made the spider drop to the ground and START RUNNING DIRECTLY TOWARDS ME. 

Now I was screaming, and shaking and generally freaking the fuck out.  I started stabbing blindly in the dark at the spider hoping to mash it.  Then..AND THEN THE SPIDER JUMPED.  That mother fucker jumped almost 4 inches away from the bat and toward me.  I jumped, then backed up, and then just went totally bat shit crazy with the bat. I finally smashed that bitch.  Then I smashed her four more times.

This is the point that I should mention I still had my gun in my left hand.  So, if you were walking by, or say, the employee driving back to the shop to finish his night you would have looked over to see me jumping around wildly waving a bat in one hand and a gun in the other hand.  You would be correct in assuming I am pretty much totally full of crazy.

In the end no one was in my office.  No one was in the garage and I almost died for nothing.  I put my gun away and walked the twenty feet home.  I came in and recounted the story to my husband of my near death experience. It took about twenty minutes for me to calm down from seeing a black widow JUMP.  Never mind that had I not looked down at that exact second I would have been wearing a black widow. 

You guys.  I just can't even with these spiders.

And that concludes the story of how Shannon almost died last week!


Love, Misguided Mommy

posted on Sep. 20, 2013

Comments

Sep. 27 2013
Ginger said…
LMAO besides the hilariousness of the imagine of you waving around a kids baseball bat and a gun over a spider, your little diagram of the spiders location is fucking hiliarous! It's like the official incident report diagrams I get at work when there is an acident. P.S. glad you're not dead and all from that tramatic experience.

 

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