Tales of a Misguided Mommy

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The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth

 

So, you may remember me telling you I went snowboarding and tried to drink a Guinness but couldn't. Well, that isn't exactly the whole truth. My husband would like me to tell you the whole truth about that little incident.

We get to the lodge (if you could call the little shack a lodge) and head for the snack bar. Right away we notice a very large selection of beer and that was it. No liquor, no fruity fun girl drinks nothing. Not even a Mikes Hard Lemonade. I look at my husband and say, "which of these taste the least like beer?" He replies with, "I've heard Guinness taste like coffee." Okay fine, one Guinness and one snickers please. (I didn't have Brandon for two days dammit I was eating some peanuts. We walk outside, I take a drink and make a look like......hmmm, similar to a face I imagine some one would make if they licked a dogs asshole. A dogs asshole that had dingle berries!

My husband laughs at me and I mention that I wish they had Blue Moon because I heard it is orangey and then I could stick some orange slice in it. His reply was that he heard people put orange in Fat Tire too. I look up and spy some honey inside. I tell Rob I'm going to go stick honey in my Guinness. He looks at me like I'm bonkers and goes to sit. I walk in, pick up the honey bear and proceed to spend about two minutes trying to make the last 1/4 inch of honey drip into my Guinness. Thats when I hear, "Is that girl seriously trying to put honey in there?" "Yeah she is, what an idiot."

Grrrrr.

I look up and I see an orange. Okay, fine I'm buying that orange and the Fat Tire and starting over. Next thing Rob knows here comes his wife with a Guinness, an orange, a half eaten Snickers and a Fat Tire. At this point he really wants to get up on the mountain since we had waited for his cousin for ever so he just looks at me like I'm fucking nuts. I proceed to peel my orange and begin cramming pieces of it in both beers. Dammit one of these fuckers is going to taste good.

Only.

No one told me orange would make the fucking beer fizz out of the goddamn jar. So here I am beer fizzing and dripping everywhere when my husband is like HEY ASSHOLE THERE ARE PEOPLE WALKING BELOW YOU! I look down and sure as shit I'm dripping beer all over people. I take a taste of the Fat Tire and proceed to start gagging. I go to vomit only I realize that if I do I would be vomiting on the people below me. So I swallow it back down and shove both beers at my husband. He basically tells me to take it like a fucking man, grow some balls and drink that shit. My response?

I dumped those fuckers in the trash, finished my Snickers and went shredding on the hill! So, now you know I DON'T DRINK BEER, NOT EVER, NEVER NO!

 


Love, Misguided Mommy

posted on Jan. 28, 2009

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