Tales of a Misguided Mommy

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Is she still talking about the gym?

Turns out the other day wasn't my assessment.  It was an orientation, my official assessment is Monday.  My husband had his today and was sure to tell me what it included.  First, I will need to do push ups until my arms give up, okay mark me down for two of those bad boys.  Then I need to do sit ups until I can't anymore.  I'll tell him I will sit up if he puts a donut in front of me.  Of course they are going to pinch all of my skin which just sounds awesome right?

Anyway I got all gungho tonight after riding 8.67 miles on the bike in 30 minutes and decided to push my luck.  I went over to the free weight section and began doing all of those curls and rowing and pull down thingies that are supposed to make my arms look like I am 15 again.  Midway through my arms started calling me names.  You know you are working hard when your arms are screaming "stop it you crazy bitch, we only do this much lifting if it involves cartons of ice cream."  I finally finished and headed down to the locker room.  I noticed an obscene amount of boob sweat.  Do you know what that means? Means I was working out y'all.  I rate my work out intensity solely on the quantity of boob sweat I have and today I would say 6" x 2" meant I did a pretty rocking work out.

I finished up in the locker room and went to get Codi, to which I discovered he had pooped.  I grab my massive bag and trudge out to my car with him.  He was plunked down in the trunk of my car as I went to work wiping and scraping and...it was one of those poops that resembles peanut butter.  Suddenly the little shit (he he, shit get it) moved just right and jammed three of my fingers right in his shit.  I finished up and went about wiping my hands with about 40 wipes.  Put him in his seat, got in, started the car and not even thirty seconds later I went to pick my  nose WITH SHIT ON MY FINGERS.  Apparently 40 wipes was not enough and there was still poo under my nails. So now, I'm driving around, with arms like jelly shit on my hands and every time I breath it smells like crap.

If that wasn't bad enough I missed my turn and found myself lost.  You know, lost in the town I have lived in for 27 fucking years.  At this point my arms are getting belligerent, and being lost was not helping the situation.  I tried to turn down a road, which turned out to be a one way road, and by road I mean not a road at all more like a tiny fucking toy car sized street.  So I'm cruising down when HOOOONK.  Fuck.  I just ran a stop sign.  But dude, I've never been here before how in the fuck was I supposed to know there would be a stop sign in the middle of fucking no where.  Finally after a good eight minutes I maneuver myself out of that area and onto the freeway.  My arms are now seizing up and shaking so bad I'm driving like some kind of drunk mother fucker with their kid in their car.  Awesome.

When I finally got home and went to put my car in park that was it, that was to much.  My arms just gave.  I wanted to cry right then and there.  Again I guess that means I had a good workout right? Or it means I don't know what the fuck I'm doing and I broke my muscles trying to be a big shot on the pully down machine thing.

So lets recap.  I came home covered in sweat, stinking like...body odor, mixed with sweat, mixed with WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SMELL.  I have shit on my hands, my arms don't work, I have shit in my nose and my hair was frizzing out like someone rubbed a balloon on my head to create static cling.

I believe the score is, Shannon 0 Gym 2

I don't know how my husband even kissed me when I got home, I was exactly the opposite of a sexy bitch.

Fucking gym!


Love, Misguided Mommy

posted on Oct. 16, 2009

Comments

Oct. 16 2009
rachel said…
I think the gym should be a little more enjoyable but hey-shannon-your stories are great!! Keep it up!
Oct. 16 2009
Sarah Lynn said…
Seriously applaud you! I've been so lazy since I was furloughed from work end of Aug! I need to get my ass on the treadmill blah just about a month until I leave for the Phil...boob sweat yes lol...the 36C feels your pain and I hate sports bras!
Oct. 16 2009
Genevieve said…
I don't think I would go back!!! Where are you finding your new words???
Oct. 16 2009
Just Jiff said…
LOL. Hey, I'm laughing while eating a carmel/almond/chocolate treat thing one of my docs brought me from Disney World. So I'm laughing my fat ass off. LOL
Oct. 16 2009
Amanda said…
I feel for you Shannon; I'm doing sympathy moves for your sake; 1 and lift kit kat to mouth; 2 and put it back down and 3 lift ice cold pepsi to mouth; and 4 put it back down ;) Seriously though; my excercising goals start in January when I'm going on a crusade to lose well over 100 pounds... maybe we can be email support buddies to keep our flab fab moving... just trying to figure out what you're losing... you're gorgeous girly!
Oct. 19 2009
Lisa said…
Good for you on the gym thing ... and it will get easier on the arms ... I swear ... Poop in the nails - happens to me ALL the freaking time!!! SO gross!
Oct. 19 2009
Patty said…
I want to go to the gym with you! You have the best stories!
Oct. 19 2009
Billie said…
HAHA! You crack me up... At least you came home with something interesting to blog about! ;)

 

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