Tales of a Misguided Mommy

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Us

Forgive me if I get a few of the details wrong here it’s been a while. Forgive me if I ramble, some things are just so close to your heart it is hard to make real sense of them.

A few months back I was still having problems getting a handle on my head. My doctor and I discussed the fact that my meds were obviously not working which was futher backed up by my blood work which showed almost no Lithium in my system when I was actually on a pretty high dose. We made some adjustments and will see where that takes me.

In the mean time however the Wellbutrin was starting to kick in and I was actually becoming a much better mom. Suddenly I was calm and relaxed and functional. I could remain calm while handling the boys, I thought before I spoke and things were getting so much better. What I failed to notice was the fact that since I was spending so much time concentrating on the boys I had completely forgotten my husband. Not only did I forget him, but when I did acknowledge him it was generally just to yell at him, snap at him or ignore him. The bigger problem is I really didn’t notice it. This had been going on for months, months before I even started the Wellbutrin.

July 4th weekend we were driving down to California when something just hit me. Maybe it was the medicine starting to kick in, or maybe it was the fact that I just really missed my husband but somehow I realized things weren’t right. I looked over at him and said, “Do you feel like you are walking on egg shells around me?”

“Yes”

One word and I felt sick. A flood of emotion came over me and suddenly I could see how ugly I had become. I could see all the yelling and snapping and no kisses goodnight and I just felt awful. The thing is, I love my husband. I love him like the day we got married. I still love being around him, hugging him, kissing him and just sitting with him. I read so many blogs every day where it seems like these people are just married because they have kids and they have to be. So often I read and I wonder where the actual love is. You know, there is a difference between loving someone and being in love.

The point is, I realized I was making it very difficult for my husband to still be in love with me. We spent the remainder of the drive talking. Talking and talking and talking and TALKING. We talked about everything. My head, what was going on in his head, the difficulties I am still having and how alone he had felt living with a shell of a wife.

That weekend almost over night things got better. I was happy to see him, he was happy to see me, we kissed hello as soon as he got off work, we held hands, we were us again.

Progressively things have gotten better. The two of us spent the whole weekend home with our kids. When they were sleeping we tried to just sit and cuddle. Watch TV, find moments for just us. It is funny because I live with him, but every day when he leaves for work I miss him. When he comes home I can’t wait to just hug him and hold him. I’ve always said, he is the only person I’ve every felt completely comfortable hugging, and to this day it remains true.

That talk probably saved us. Or my medicine kicking in. Either way whatever it was I am so thankful, because I love him. I’m still in love with him.

I can’t imagine what is like to live with me. How hard must it be to wake up and wonder who is going be waking up next to you. How hard must it be to love someone and worry that today they are going to hate you. How do you handle that? My husband deserves sainthood for tolerating me. For never leaving, never threatening to leave and having more patience then I ever thought one human being was capable of.

The most devastating part of all is that I have ALWAYS said, that in a marriage with kids that your kids can’t become your whole life, you always have to take time for each other because if there is no marriage there is no family. I can’t believe I forgot my own credo.

While I am so happy everything worked out and we are better now then we have been in a while, I’m so disappointed in myself that I let my head get in the way of us. I wish I would have been more open, talked about this more, wrote about it more, anything to realize what an asshole I was being much earlier.

I do know that my new medicine (Lamictal), combined with the Lithium and the Wellbutrin seem to be helping a lot. Rob has noticed, the kids can tell, everyone can tell. In fact it’s working so well I might even have more patience then Rob now. The other night at dinner the kids were being rotten little shit heads and Rob was just going crazy. As a first, I remained totally calm and just ignored them. Further more, after watching the whole scene play out I busted out in a fit of laughter at the hilarity of the whole thing. Rob turning red, the kids egging him on, and me being the calm one for once. I have to say, it felt so good to laugh again.

While Rob and I still fight, I’m okay with that. It doesn’t happen often and we are much more grown up about it now. What Rob has always told me is if he didn’t love me anymore he wouldn’t care enough to fight with me. I wholeheartedly believe that, fighting keeps the romance alive, and it reminds the other person that you care enough to fight rather then just walking away.

This Friday Rob and I have tickets to go to a baseball game together. A DATE!!! Just us, and the best part is, both of us are so excited to go. What a change, to go from egg shells to being thrilled to be in each others company. I think from now on when people question my decision to take medicine I’ll direct them here. I’ll explain how it took the demons from my head and allowed it to remember all of the things I love, all of the people I loved, and that I still loved me. If you are on my facebook, you can read the comments Rob and I leave back and forth, the playful banter, and I think honestly, anyone there, or anyone who knows us in real life can see just how much he loves me….and my crazy.
 


Love, Misguided Mommy

posted on Aug. 17, 2009

Comments

Aug. 17 2009
kristi said…
I do love my husband too. And he TAKES kisses ...LOL. But some days I want to kick his everlovin' ass.
Aug. 17 2009
Kim said…
Amazing! I love your honesty. I love that you share this and we can all step back and take a look and learn.
Aug. 17 2009
hobbychanger said…
Thank you for writing this today. My fiancee battles depression/bipolar/ocd issues and some days ARE tough for him (and me too). The past few weeks have been particularly tough for him. I know there's always rough patches with any relationship, but damn did I need a glimmer of hope that life with him will not always be this way. Don't get me wrong, I love him to death, but when you're in the middle of dealing with it, it's easy to forget the good times. Thank you for being honest.
Aug. 18 2009
Erika said…
(((hugs)))
Aug. 18 2009
Just Jiff said…
YAY! This is awesome. I know you're an amazing person and I'm glad meds are FINALLY making you YOU again.
Aug. 18 2009
Julia said…
That's great that you guys had a good long talk and that things are getting better. I sometimes notice too how much having a child changes things, changes your marriage. I still love my husband very much but I spend so much time taking care of Jayla and studying and sometimes I am just plain exhausted and then I almost neglect him. I sometimes notice how we fall asleep without kissing or how long it's been since we hugged or just had the chance to be "US" not mommy and daddy but US, the two people we used to be. I think it is so important for a couple to still be a couple even when they have kids. I am hoping that my husband and I get to spend a few days somewhere just me and him when my family comes to visit in october and we finally have somebody to babysit... And your post just once again made me realize that...
Aug. 18 2009
Lisa said…
Wow ... thanks for being so honest. I wish everyone in your position could allow their emotions to shine through. I have been sitting in the seat of your husband for years now. My DH is in your shoes. I am dying for a "drive to California" some day!!!!
Aug. 18 2009
Patty said…
I think you are amazing. I 100% support your decision and am so proud of you because I know you struggled with it. You will laugh at me but I could tell last night when we spoke on IM. I noticed something was different about you. Maybe it was the way you express yourself in your writing. If it make any sense...I got the feeling you were in a good place and happy. I'm so happy for you and Rob and the truly beautiful relationship you have. Have a great time on your date! LOVE YA!
Aug. 18 2009
chrissy said…
im glad to hear your doing better!! :)
Aug. 18 2009
cakerwakers said…
I am glad that you and Rob are doing better. We have similar problems, because I tend to take out my anger and frustration with the kid on John. My husband is one lucky guy.
Aug. 19 2009
the Snarky Lady said…
I'm glad to hear that you've been able to work through some of the problems and recognize what still needs to be worked on.
Sep. 15 2010
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