It's getting worse

As you can see I spent the day cleaning. A lot. I spent my night cleaning too. I vacuumed twice today and I have hard wood. One room has carpet and I have one small area rug. I vacuum the wood though, In the corners, under tables, all the edges, etc. The past two weeks I have encountered days where I have vacuumed my house 7 -10 times a day. I've been trying to do dishes daily. Trying to keep up on laundry. Today I went crazy organizing things and I kept going into the night. I'm constantly walking around after the kids picking things up. After dinner I did the dishes, scrubbed my stove and counters, and cleaned some other things up.

It's getting out of hand. I haven't seen my doctor in two weeks, I missed one appointment when Brandon projectile vomitted on me, Codi, the couch, floors, carpet, table and my Macbook. The other time was because I had a dinner date with my cousin and her husband and daughter. One of the things he pointed out though is that it seemed like my OCD has gotten progressively worse over time as opposed to getting better. That is how I feel now. Like I'm getting more crazy instead of less crazy. Daily life is feeling overwhelming.

My house is very clean but I can't enjoy it because I keep finding something wrong. That is how I feel about myself. I may be doing good but I could probably do better. My diet went to shit, my exercise went to shit, my parenting is turning to shit. I feel like I'm turning to shit.

I'm exhausted. I'm not sleeping again. I am afraid to take the sleeping medicine the doctor gave me because I don't want to become dependent. We file our bankruptcy tomorrow and I have none of the paperwork in order. I'm still doing the envelope system and I hate not having money. Seems like everything awesome is suddenly being made now that I'm broke. Suddenly shoes are cute, house stuff is pretty, face wash is working but it's too expensive, good summer foods are out but I can't afford them. I hate being poor.

I've started to feel like I'm not enough lately. Like I'm letting people down. Inadequate is the word that comes to mind. I want to be more, better, thinner, healthier, happier, and calmer. i want my head to stop spinning. I want the constant motion in my mind to be still. I want to meditate in the silence.

I am exhausted.

I need to get better. Feel better. BE BETTER.

posted on Apr. 29, 2009

Comments

Apr. 30 2009	Just Jiff said… Go to the doctor, girlie. Take care of yourself first so you can take care of everything else. HUGS
Apr. 30 2009	Lindz said… DON'T MISS APPOINTMENTS!!!! That's never a good idea. You're ok! Try not to be so hard on yourself (easier said than done, I know.) You have a shit ton of things going on around you all day every day, you are by far the least inadequate person I know... I just think you have unreasonably high expectations for yourself (since you asked my opinion).
Apr. 30 2009	Alice said… Hi Shannon, Long time follower; first time delurker. Just wanted to drop you a quick line of support. You seem like an excellent mother and wife to me. Try not to get too down on yourself. Things will get better!
Apr. 30 2009	Katie said… You are doing awesome, sticking to a budget alone is a reason to pat yourself on the back. Oh and the good news is that right now like ALL OF AMERICA is poor. So welcome to the club. And I was thinking.......maybe........ before you go back to the doctor and get all fixed and stuff......maybe......you could come over to my house and umm clean and organize it. Seriously, your house looks awesome.
Apr. 30 2009	Steph said… Hey you. Try to get back to the doctor, he can help you more than we can. I think its great that you know what you're doing isn't "normal." About the envelope thing though. I can totally relate because I went through the same thing. Think about it... OF COURSE you feel broke, because you aren't spending money you don't have. Before, if I wanted stuff at Target I'd just buy it... $50 wasn't a big deal. now that I have to pay attention to every dollar, I don't get away with that. And not to rain on your parade, but it gets worse before it gets better. But then the clouds break and its amazing. We put Every. Freaking. Extra. Dollar. we had towards our credit card debt (okay, we cheated a few times... especially towards the end), and tomorrow we make our last credit card payment. No More Debt. 4 cards paid off. I never thought I'd be one of those "weird people" that didn't have a credit card balance. And now, looking back, all the times that I didn't buy those curtains that I REALLY wanted, or new clothes, or stuff at Target, or had my hair done at the beauty school instead of professionally (even though it turned out orange)... it was so worth it. So, if you're feeling broke now, isn't it better than having stuff but constantly accumulating more and more debt in the end? Cause that's depressing too. You have a BEAUTIFUL house that anyone would be jealous of, a handsome hubby, adorable well dressed kids, and yummy food on everyone's plates. Plus you are one hot mama! Try to focus on the positive. Maybe write down a few things you are thankful for everyday. Also, at least you over clean instead of hoard things right? There's another bright side!
Apr. 30 2009	Steph said… holy crap, I had no idea my comment was so long! I'll email next time haha
Apr. 30 2009	Julia said… I'd say call your doctor and try to get an earlier appointment!!!! And no, you are not a bad mother, you just really need to take some time to take care of yourself so you can take care of your family, your house and everything else!!! Hang in there!!!
Apr. 30 2009	Steph said… Mmk, I didn't mean to leave like 500 comments but you don't have a delete/edit button. On my first one when I said "I think its great that you know what you're doing isn't "normal." " I didn't mean "gah! she's a loon!" I meant that its great you're trying to get help. Alright, LAST COMMENT.
Apr. 30 2009	kristi said… I am cracking up at Steph. Girl...go to the doctor. Get some help. You are amazing. Take care of you. Love you!
Apr. 30 2009	kristi said… I am cracking up at Steph. Girl...go to the doctor. Get some help. You are amazing. Take care of you. Love you!
Apr. 30 2009	Marni said… You ARE better girl. Hang in. Working on yourself comes first. If the kids see you taking care of yourself then they can take care of themselves. Someone told me that the other day and I truly believe it.
Apr. 30 2009	Robert Mateo said… Shannon, you are doing a wonderful job in everything you done. I know that I don't tell you enough but you are doing an amazing job. Even without all the cleaning, you are an amazing person. Thank you for everything that you have done. I love you.
May. 01 2009	Mrs. F said… Aww, Rob's comment just got me all choked up. I hope that you start feeling better soon. GO TO THE DR!
May. 04 2009	Tabitha said… You are dealing with alot just now Shannon, so there is alot of stress for you! I hope that things get better for you. Thinking of you and sending love and big hugs XXXXXXXX
May. 04 2009	Billie said… Days like this, you just need a strong drink! ((HUGS)) Hope things begin to look up soon for you!