In which you all think I've lost my fucking mind

In which you all think I've lost my fucking mind

When my biological father died, I dreamt of him often. The dreams were almost always the same, I would be taken to some big fancy house where my dad stood in a white suite with white patent leather shoes telling me, it was all a joke, he was really alive and surprise he was rich and life was okay. Odd.

The only other dream I had was once I was climbing the side of a cliff. I kept climbing the ladder towards him and he always escaped me. He kept saying "no you can't follow me", and I kept begging him to wait. Those only lasted about a year.

Anyway the point of this is, I never really believed that dead people "visit" you in dreams. Can you dream of them? Sure, but do they come and talk to you? No. In the last few years people have said my grandma visits them. At the beginning I thought it was their subconscious trying to comfort them. Which of course made me say, "hey what the fuck subconscious why aren't you comforting me?" It has been nearly 8 years since she died. In 8 years I have not had A SINGLE dream about her. Nothing. No dreams with her "visiting" me, and no dreams where she was even visible. It was as though my mind knew the hurt I would feel missing her after. I had people tell me, "you need to let her spirit know you are open to seeing her."

Okay fine. As hogwash as it sounded, I've laid there many nights saying, "okay grandma I miss you I want to see you."

(Stop laughing, I can hear your laughter over here, assholes...seriously stop laughing no need to piss your pants over there.)

Last night I dreamed of her. The dream made no sense, I barely remember it all I know is she wasn't even real in the dream, she was a memory. Dream Shannon spent the entire dream crying about her imaginary grandma. She didn't speak, she didn't offer any comforting words. She didn't imply that she has seen my boys or that she was present at my wedding. She didn't let me know she is there through this hard time.

NOTHING.

Just a dream of silence and me crying. Fuck that feels just like my real life. I was right though. The dream made me sad. Very sad. I miss her. People ask me all the time, "are you sad your biological father wasn't there on your wedding day, or when your kids were born?" My answer is always, "my dad was there, I didn't need that other man there."

But I would be lying if I said I don't miss my grandma (biological dad's mom) every single day. That it doesn't tear apart my insides that my kids never got to meet her. They never got to see me have a real loving grandma. They never got to play solitaire with her, or eat her butterscotch candies and famous french toast. She never got to hug them and exclaim how they 'look just like me." There will never be any saving pennies to buy puzzles, or drinking raspberry soda, or change stashes for the ice cream truck. No fishing off her balcony for toys. None of it. She will never meet my husband. She will never see I married a guy who would run right over and help her do heavy lifting or hang stuff, or just sit and listen while she talks. Because MY GRANDMA, she would have appreciated the way my husband just listens to old people, and doesn't mind them at all.

I hate that my kids were born into this bullshit family. They only have a handful of true people in their lives. I often blame myself for this. If I hadn't been so trusting of those assholes to begin with my children would have never had to know they existed.

Whatever. The point is. I miss my grandma. And as crazy as it seems I just want to dream about her. A good dream, a reassuring dream where she hugged me, or played cards with me, or just sat on the couch watching the Golden Girls with me.

So tell me dear Internet. How does one convince their subconscious to let them dream about people? To feel like they were visited by them? I'm open to try most anything. Shall we have a bloggy seance? Do I need to drink some special tea before bed? Let me have it. I'm open to anything.

(Note to real life friends and family: YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE FUN OF ME FOR THIS!!)

posted on Mar. 23, 2009

Comments

Mar. 23 2009	Christy said… When my grandfather died, my family often talked about him visiting in dreams too. It has been 10 years, and he has never visited me. Of course, he probably never visited them either. Just luck of the draw with regards to dreams.
Mar. 23 2009	Ben Wa Balls said… Had to... But not make fun. I know what you mean. I am sending you MAJOR good Grandma dreaming loving and wishing that you would get some comfort and hugs. Shit, if I was there, I would certainly do mock imitations and tease ya of all the good things you'd want to hear and see. Swear it.
Mar. 24 2009	kristi crazy said… I miss my Grandparents too. My kids never see my Mom (good thing) and my mother in law...she is something else, I should post about her latest craziness. Seriously, she sees my kids when we ASK her to and we live in the same fracking town. (my captcha is curve gynecologists! LOL)
Mar. 24 2009	kristi crazy said… I miss my Grandparents too. My kids never see my Mom (good thing) and my mother in law...she is something else, I should post about her latest craziness. Seriously, she sees my kids when we ASK her to and we live in the same fracking town. (my captcha is curve gynecologists! LOL)
Mar. 24 2009	Mrs. F said… I often dream about my grama, she passed away 6 years ago, only 5 short weeks after becoming a great-grandmother. In my dreams she is very real, to the point of where I wake up and have to remind myself that she is gone. <br><br> I do believe that people visit you in dreams. The night my father in law passed away I was wide awake while the hubs was at the hospital saying his last goodbyes. Moments after his death I heard Caleb in his bed giggling like he was being tickled. I went to check on him and he was sound asleep. I knew at that moment that my FIL had passed.
Mar. 25 2009	Angie said… First of all no one should make fun of you! I'm sure at some point or other everyone wishes they could meet someone that has died in their dreams to steal a few moments with them! I know your exact feeling except of course mine is with my mom. She never got to really know my husband (she met him once but we were just friends at the time) and she won't get to meet my kids and spoil them rotten and kiss and love all over them! So don't feel silly for wanting your grandma to come to you in a dream and say she really likes Rob or that if you put a blonde curly wig on Codi he would be the spitting image of you (I'll prove it and post a picture of you that I have!! Codi is identically you!) When it was time for the wedding I remember wanting to dream of my mom so much. I wanted to know that she approved of Dave and that she loved him and thought he was just perfect for me just like I do. I never did have a dream about her directly but I remember her being present in my dreams. It wasn't until my friend Jeremy gave me that plaque she made that I realized she was there all along and I just wasn't paying attention.