Last night I dreamt I was on a field trip with my kids. In the dream I was eating little gummy candies with them. When I ate my last candy I started thinking, "this one is stale, and it's very chewy and not good at all." That was the exact moment I woke up and found another fucking ear plug in my mouth.
You guys, this is twice now. Two times I have pulled my ear plugs out of my ears in my sleep and put them in my damn mouth and chewed on them IN MY SLEEP.
While I'm asking why, someone please tell me why it is my dog has suddenly started eating his food by colors. He has a brown piece and a white piece. He picks every single white piece out. He doesn't just pick them out, he picks one piece out and walks over to the carpet and drops it then goes to the bowl gets out another white piece, walks to the carpet and drops it. He repeats this until he has about 6 pieces then sits there and eats his six pieces and then starts the process all over. He leaves the brown ones in the bowl until he realizes he's not getting any more food until he finishes his brown pieces. It is the strangest thing I've ever seen.
My food allergies are getting worse. Last week as a healthy snack I bought myself some banana chips. I proudly ate them all week before realizing I'm allergic to plantain which I'm pretty sure means I'm allergic to banana. Since that wasn't enough fun I thought I would test out the doctors theory that I was allergic to peanuts and soy.
I ended up in the hospital.
My entire stomach swelled up...see:
Just in case you think I'm always that fat, this was me the morning before when the swelling had just started
And this shows you the change twelve hours made
Yeah I know, my underwear are mega cute right....oops.
This is two days later...mild swelling
This is three days later...Mild swelling to start the day
And then BAMN I look pregnant again mid day.
Anyway the following week has been similar to that. I eat something I swell up and my stomach hurts and then it goes away, I eat, swell, pain, lather, rinse, repeat. It's been a fucking blast. Not to mention that I can't take anything for the swelling now because I'm getting a new allergy test in May and I can't have any allergy medicine in my system before the test.
In case you all think maybe I'm eating something bad let's discuss what I have been living on:
*Protein shake in the am, that is hypoallergenic, vegan and soy free made from quinoa, with coconut milk, frozen strawberries and blueberries. All of those are things I've tested negative to allergies for.
*Coffee & sugar free cream. Both things I'm not allergic too.
*Lunch has been either a Subway sandwich, no mayo, only mustard, cheese and veggies. None of which I'm allergic to or a small salad with balsamic dressing and only lettuce and spinach. None of that I'm allergic to. I often eat carrot and celery sticks with hummus. I've never had a reaction to hummus but after all this shit I'm now being tested for an allergy to sesame seeds. Sigh.
*Snack is another protein shake, an apple, strawberries, or nothing. I'm allergic to none of those.
*Dinner is quinoa and a roasted veggie. I only roast my veggies, I don't boil them or microwave them or saute them, I just roast them so they taste amazing and my kids are now addicted to roasted cauliflower and asparagus and broccoli and seriously it's the weirdest thing ever having a five year old request more asparagus or cauliflower. I'm not allergic to any veggie besides soy and there is no soy in my quinoa or my vegetables.
*Besides coffee and coconut milk I am only drinking water or carbonated mineral water. I have had exactly 1.5 soda's in 30 days. I am not allergic to coffee. I'm probably allergic to water.
So I'm going to the doctor with a whole new list of things to be tested for:
Sun Flower Seeds
I bought myself an organic, soy free, nut free, gluten free granola last week and chomped away happily on it until the whole hospital thing. It was full of sunflower and flax seeds. The only two things the doctor didn't test on the sheet of paper last time.
You can imagine I'm a lot grumpy lately. Even with all this I'm still dragging my sorry ass to the gym and I'm still being my kids dugout mom in baseball and I've been to work every day. I'm miserable though. I'm afraid to eat and that's an issue. Yesterday I had the protein shake, the coffee and a spinach salad with a roasted sweet potato. That was all, the entire day. When I got to the gym I was drained. I had no fuel and everything was harder. This is not fun. The gym has been fun. Going to the gym with no fuel in my system is not fun.
Hopefully next week we get a real live compete list of allergies and maybe a diagnosis and medicine and treatment. Because y'all I'm working out way too hard to have my stomach swollen up like this every day!
Most of you are reading that title thinking it's no big deal. Y'all, it's a big fucking deal. If you know anything about me you know that my favorite food is potatoes. A subset of potatoes is potato chips. I love them. I love them probably more then chocolate. I love them about as much as I love my husband.
Potato chips are the holy grail of foods in my world.
25 days ago one of the moms at school asked me to start going to the gym with her. For the past two years I have referred to this woman as "gym Barbie." Gym Barbie has a crazy rocking amazing body and works out often. For whatever reason I thought going to the gym with her would be fun.
I was wrong.
She tried to kill me.
We did so many things. Running and weights, and circuits and I don't even know what this woman was doing to me. At one point I stopped her and said, "HEY, BARBIE DOLL..I'M A CABBAGE PATCH I DON'T MOVE LIKE YOU!!!"
She made me do more sit ups.
Anywho, at the end of the workout while we were stretching she came up with this brilliant plan that she would give up sugar in all forms and I would give up chips, fries & pretzels.
Might as well have killed me.
After two weeks of me subbing cookies in place of chips we had to amend the bet so that I could also no longer have cookies. First one to lose buys dinner.
You guys I'm struggling. Two weeks in I went to dinner with my husband at my favorite place who ordered my favorite side dish called "sexy fries" and then ate them all, right in front of my face while proceeding to tell me just how sexy they were. I wanted to break his nose. I had to give the girl in my office all of my chips and pretzels which I then had to watch her eat in front of me. I wanted to fire her. Last night I made fresh delicious pico de gallo and grabbed a chip to taste it and then had to launch it across the room because I cannot eat a fucking tortilla chip even if it is to taste my super yummy wonderful salsa. I wanted to cry and break stuff. I almost ordered nachos at a restaurant the other day forgetting that DUH, NACHOS ARE MADE OF CHIPS and then pouted for the whole meal. Out of town this weekend my best friend ordered her sammich with a side of the most amaze ball looking fries I had ever seen ever in the world, and she ate them. She ate them right in front of me. I think she and I should take a break now. I just ordered a Quiznos sandwich and I couldn't even order my coveted plain Lays chips to go with it. That's just not right.
I'm so frustrated y'all. This was the dumbest bet I've ever made. EVER. I swear I'm about to buy her dinner just so I can eat a motherfucking potato chip. She thinks it's hilarious. I do not.
I've continued going to the gym, 25 days strong now and you guys I've been walking funny and moving funny for 25 days. Everything hurts. But my pants are loose and I can do pushups without falling on my face (on the hardwood, true story that happened) and I'm happy about it. Gym Barbie still runs circles around me but at least I'm not quite as much of a Cabbage Patch and instead closer to Barbies little sister Skipper.
The point is, if I start to get hostile on this blog you know why now, it's because I haven't had a damn potato chip in 25 fucking days. I'm sorry in advance. It's going to get worse, because I am not losing this bet.
I purchased some new bras this week. A ton of them. They are amazing. However two of them came with these little air bags in them.
I don't even know what to make of these. I've seen padding in a bra but...air bags REALLY?
Anyway, the point of the story. In a rush this morning I grabbed the bra that I hadn't pulled the little air pillows out of and ran out of the house. When I got to work I realized any time I touched my chest it made a...um..sort of crunching noise. Exactly like it would sound if you smooshed little bags of air. When my husband hugged me I could feel AND hear the crinkle. I had been terrified he would squeeze my boobs and feel this odd crunchy feeling and hear the strange noise and freak out. Why would he be randomly grabbing my tits in the morning? Hey, we've been together eleven years we gotta keep it fun and hot somehow right? The whole thing was mortifying. Luckily he didn't notice.
I spent the entire day hearing noises anytime I moved, leaned forward or breathed wrong. It was fucking funny. Later I took my kids to the park and then got in the car and realized I just couldn't handle the air bags anymore. I reached in and pulled them out while driving and couldn't believe how much cooler I felt. It would appear that tiny air bags cause your boobs to sweat like a whore in church. The tiny air bags are now laying on my passenger seat. I have elected not to have my double D boobs pushed up any farther, but I am a little bit sad knowing that in the event of an accident my boobs will no longer have their own personal air bags.
So. I got myself a new purse about two weeks ago. I knew that with Little League starting I would need a bigger purse because I stuff snacks, and clothes, and other random things like a 5 year olds "cup" when he doesn't wanna wear it inside my bag.
Here is my new bag, it's a SakRoots bag and I just love the shit out of this purse.
When I first picked up this purse it was all, "Hey look at me, I have pockets all over me, and inside pockets, and my handle drop length is soooo sexy." Obviously I had to buy the smooth talking little sucker after all that.
Let's look inside shall we.
To start off, the first one of you who comments on my lip gloss problem is getting bonked in the head. Missing from the photo is my beloved iPhone which I obviously had to use to take the pictures.
Keys to my moms house, my office, my grandmas house, and a good friends house.
Two pill boxes. One for vitamins and iron pills, and one for the good pills.
KCCO stickers because you never know when you need to tell slap a Chive on sticker on something to tell people to calm the fuck down.
A change purse.
Tattoo business cards from my tattoo artist because I brag about him often.
A sticker from the tattoo shop that they gave me because it was Raiders colors.
A match book they gave me, that I keep always.
Two Easter toys a lady at the gym gave me. I have yet to give them to my kids.
Pens & Sharpies. I HATE using black ink, and I HATE using other peoples pens. I need my pen with it's fine tip and bright colors. Plus you can always always use a sharpie.
A lock for my gym locker.
A plastic spoon because my son always loses his yogurt spoon.
A case for my glasses because after 10 years of wearing them I figure a case might help me to NOT scratch them beyond repair when I throw them in my purse.
My car keys, house keys, work keys, and strange key chains.
6 Varieties of lip gloss. Yet to find one I love.
My beloved apple Chapstick. I love that shit.
Two checkbooks, a work one and a personal one.
A notebook, because I'm always writing shit down.
Apple hand cream that smells like fresh cut apples.
The cutest little tissue holder.
My brand new handgun.
My wallet (let's not open that because zomg mess)
Headphones for the gym
Two small bags
What is in those two bags? Why don't we look.
Toothbrush and toothpaste, because seriously I'm weird about my teeth. I just ran out of floss and I'm deeply saddened by this.
Deodorant for emergencies. Emergencies are usually something like, shit I went to the spa and now I want to go to dinner but I forgot to pack stuff, good thing I have deodorant in my purse.
Another chapstick. SHUT UP
A lemon smelly perfume stick that I NEVER use but will NOT take out of my purse.
Benadryl for Brandons peanut allergy.
Epi pen to save my sons life, (if I don't inject it into my own thumb instead)
How about bag number two.
Again with the lip gloss. Okay so these are actually the two that I love. The first is MAC Purrr which they discontinued so I ration this and only use it on very very special occasions. Special occasions include: wooing a waiter for free drinks, wooing the guy selling me something at the Apple store for free stuff....and just wooing men to get what I want in general. The other one is Philosophy S'mores. I have trouble finding it so I ration the shit out of it.
More pens. Yes. I have this many pens in my purse, but honestly I'm a real jerk about pens. I only have the black pen in there on the off chance I have to sign something official, like a drivers license or something that has to be signed in black in. That usually pisses me off. Black ink pisses me off. People who require black ink are all assholes!
A second tube of apple Chapstick. I got this stuff at Blogher in 2011 and fell in love. I could not find it for another year. I rationed that tube forever. I now have one in two places in my purse, my desk, my coffee table, a kitchen drawer, my car, my night stand....you get the point. I like apple shit and I love this Chapstick.
More gum. I don't like this flavor as much but sometimes I'm not feeling minty so I grab this.
A lighter. I use this thing all the time. Catering, or candles or sterilizing something. This little lighter has been with me for a long time.
And finally a Tide pen. That I have never, not one single time used. I keep it in case though. I haven't used it not because I don't get stains, because y'all I am a walking stain, I haven't used it because not once have I remembered I had it in my purse. Normally I just spill spaghetti sauce down my shirt, look down and think, "aww hell not again." I'm so used to it by now that treating the stain NEVER crosses my mind.
My wallet is a whole other issue. I'm sorry but I am just not opening that up today because if I took anything out of it I'm not even sure I could get it all back in there. I've had that wallet for about three years now and I just love it. It's Lucky Brand and it's just so pretty. You can clearly tell I like bags also. I have many small bags. At trinket/gift shops I cannot resist two things, tiny bags and notebooks. Someday I will show you my notebook collection. But maybe not, because if I did you guys would probably hang up fliers around the US banning people from selling to me anymore. I clearly have a lip gloss problem also. But hey, it gets me free stuff and it gets me many many kisses from my husband. I maybe have a pen problem too but...well I don't have an excuse for that.
Your turn, what's in your purse?
Yesterday was one of those days when I should have just...gotten right back into bed and not left until the sun went down. I started the morning telling myself I was going to run. Before anyone else woke up I was going to take time for me and run. I grabbed the leash and took the dog and set off on my way. I got about 14 feet into the run before I twisted my ankle. I kept going though. The dog was a menace, he chased birds, bushes, shadows and air. It was ridiculous. I looked like a total knucklehead running with that dog. Then exactly .50 miles into the run the dog stopped right in front of a bus load of people to take a shit. He was taking a while so I took my phone out of my sports bra to pause my time so it didn't slow me down. He finished and I restarted my time. I put my phone back in and went back to my run. 14 seconds later I heard, "your run is complete." Somehow my boob had pushed the button on my phone stopping the time. It also managed to post to Facebook that I had only run a half a mile. I was so pissed. I started a new run and headed home. Halfway my shoes came untied. I had to stop again and retie my damn shoe. I was so mad. I eventually made it home with two separate posts in my exercise tracker looking like a fool.
After the running mess I came home and made an incredible breakfast for the kids. Then my husband wanted to clean the garage. That was fine.
But then, THEN, it was time to work in the garden. I wanted to hook up the drip system to my roses. I got out the hose and climbed into my scary ass green house filled with spider webs to hook up the hose. I turned it on and water shot out everywhere. The hose had a crack in it. I walked over to work and grabbed another hose and headed back to my house. This time the hose had no holes in it but it happened to be the hose my grandpa had "fixed" so water came shooting out of the end where you hooked it up. I grabbed a third hose and this time when I bent down to hook it up I cracked my head on this metal rod that is supposed to hold the hoses.
You guys it hurt bad. But I was a woman on a mission so I continued on. This time when the water turned on and the hose worked but the mother fucking drip hose had a ginormous hole in it and water started spewing everywhere. I stomped back to the hose bib and bent down to turn off the water again. This time when I stood up and cracked my head into the pole it was bad. Like...tears in my eyes bad. My husband was watching and instead of running over to check on me he just said, "you okay, you bleeding?" I was so fucking pissed. I said "NO IT HURTS."
His actual response was, "You don't have to be mean."
I wanted to ill him. My head was probably cracked open and he is telling me not to be mean.
I finally finished fixing the drip line when I realized that meant it was time to go hand dig the up the garden. You see my husband and I decided we didn't want to pay for a rotatiller so instead we took shovels and dug up every inch of the garden turning over the dirt to get it ready to plant. My legs are so so so sore from all that manual labor.
After that I had a hair appointment so I ran in, cleaned up and headed to get my hair cut. That was all fun until she started drying my hair and poking my head right in my giant goose egg on my head. Y'all it was HUGE. And it HURT.
My husband trying to be nice invited me to dinner. I picked the place. I picked wrong. Dinner was awful.
I figured the day was a bust.
Thankfully a friend invited me to her house for a play date so the night ended really well. So well in fact my kids passed out before I put the car in park and slept right through the night. I wore their asses out this morning.
The problem though, is that this morning I woke up with a pounding headache. You guys my head hurts bad. I made it to the gym fine but it hurt. While at the gym with my new mom friend we made a stupid deal that I would give up chips and pretzels and she would give up candy. The first person to lose buys dinner.
I'M SUPPOSED TO GIVE UP CHIPS.
Basically I am now going to die because you guys potato chips are my world.
Either way, I am currently sitting on the couch with an ice pack on my head trying not to cry and talking myself out of going to the hospital because dammit only sissies go to the hospital.
So to sum it up, my ankle hurts from twisting it, my boobs can text, my legs hurt from shoveling, my arms hurt from my friends shenanigans at the gym and if my head still hurts tomorrow I might even consider urgent care, no matter how big of a sissy that makes me.
Next time....I'm hiding in bed from the world,
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