The most genius thing I ever learned

7.9.2010

When I first got my iPhone I excitedly posted my first blog post from it while going pee in a restaurant bathroom.  It went something like, "I hate waiting in fucking lines at restaurants."

The only problem is, it came out as, "I hate waiting in DUCKING lines at restaurants."

Jodifur commented and told me I needed to teach my iPhone to cuss.

Two years later and the fucking thing still wouldn't type, shit, fuck, piss, fucker, hell, etc.

While browsing comments on the new iPhone software I came along the most brilliant comment on the planet.

I learned how to make my phone cuss.  You see, your phone will never auto correct the names that are in your contact list.  Meaning if you have a friend with the name Hipitabano your phone will never correct that word when you type it. 

Which is why I now have a contact named FUCK SHIT. 

Guess what?  My phone has never corrected the word shit again.  No more shit turning to shot.  Nope not here.  I am planning on adding the following contacts.

Fucking asshole.  Piss Pissed.  Fucker shitty.  Fucked shitty and Cunt bitch.

Pretty fucking genius if I do say so myself.

9 pieces of assvice

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To leave it on a lighter note

6.24.2010

After telling Codi to go put his shoes on and go finish getting dressed he stomped up the stairs, turned around and said;

"CHECK YOU ATTITUDE MOM"

 

Great. 

5 pieces of assvice

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A tribute

6.18.2010

I promised you an update and I will do that soon.  For now, what I can tell you is, I never realized just how much I would miss all of you when I was going through something really shitty.  To summarize, I've spent the last 5 days at the hospital watching the grandfather that I stubbornly hadn't spoken to in two years deteriorate.  He has been unconscious the entire time which means he never got to hear me say I'm sorry, that I love him, that we are both totally bullheaded, hard headed and stubborn but he wins I give up and I'll say sorry first.  I learned one thing from him.  In fact it wasn't learned it was bread in my genes (aside from a raging temper, the need to be right, and being one stubborn son of a bitch) the art of cooking came from him.  He is the reason I don't use a recipe and on the off chance I do I always change it.  The reason I cook from taste.  He was the reason that for so many years I cooked every meal with love.  He is the reason my kitchen is full of All-Clad, Les Creuset and Wusthof.  The reason Henckle knives have been banned from my kitchen.  In fact, hes the reason I have fingers because he was the only person who could explain to me how NOT to cut them off while cutting a tomato. Needless to say I can't cook anything right now. I was able to walk in the kitchen long enough to get coffee but in the end I had to drive to the store at 730 this morning to buy a lunchable because packing Brandon's lunch was too much.

 

The last few months I've said over and over I've lost the luster in the kitchen.  I don't love to cook anymore.  It doesn't thrill me I don't care and I cook only to make sure they have food.  I wonder if my mind wasn't trying to tell me something.  If it wasn't telling me to buck up, stop being a shit head and just go see him.  They say kids and animals have a sixth sense, well, I wonder if that part of my heart didn't have that same sense.  I will spend the rest of my life regretting the things I didn't say to him.  Or knowing he died never knowing how much I still loved him.  His eyes moved a little and he blinked some and I can only hope he heard all of the stuff I said. Some serious, some stupid, some just to get a response.  But, one thing my grandma could tell my mom and I (his first wife my actual grandma) is that when he died he wanted "I did it my way" on his head stone.  I never got it.  So yesterday when I loaded my moms iPod with Neil Diamond and David Allen Coe, and maybe even a little Willy Nelson, we added Frank Sinatra's My way on.  And now, my final hope is that in those last few minutes, while he could maybe hear, he heard his final song.  And if you read below, I can't imagine ever finding a song more perfect for him, or those last moments.  We will be taking him off life support soon and then it is just a waiting game to see how long his body lasts.

 

Until then, I dedicate this song to him, take a second to read it.

 

Artist : Frank Sinatra
Song : My Way

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, I'll say it clear,
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.

I've lived a life that's full.
I've traveled each and ev'ry highway;
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, I've had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

I've loved, I've laughed and cried.
I've had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
"No, oh no not me,
I did it my way".

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!

12 pieces of assvice

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How to say goodbye

5.23.2010

 This post has been a long time coming.  I'll go ahead and warn you ahead of time that I will say the words truth and honesty a lot in this post, so please don't tell me to get a thesaurus.  

I've been blogging for close to three years.  When this started I had dreams of being famous.  Of being a Dooce or an Amalah.  The truth is, the stories in my head would have drawn me a giant fan base.  The problem is, my real life friends and family found me and suddenly I censored everything I wrote.  So I turned to humor.  I tried to keep it light and funny.  Occasionally I would discuss the dark places in my head, and often I would simply ramble.  When this all started I would rush to my phone or grab paper to write down all the things in my head.  I was full of posts.  Full of anecdotes about my boys.  Now, well, now I have a hard time thinking of things to write.  I find myself forcing the funny, or searching very hard for a post.

The truth is this.  While I have wanted to say my medicine feels like it is working, I know it is not.  I know that I have retreated back into myself.  Maybe that is part of this post, maybe not.

Being honest I'm having a hard times with things in my life.  I'm having a very hard time dealing with my extended family.  I thought I tucked them away in a neat little box but last week I saw them all.  In one room they were there.  I broke down.  Badly.  I found myself wondering why the only good grandma, the only good extended family had to die and I got stuck with these people.  It was hard.  Hard knowing I let them get to me that much, and hard knowing they didn't even care.

My cousin told me God never gives me more then you can handle, if that was true I wouldn't be heavily medicated right now.  I wouldn't find myself lost in my head wishing I could find myself again even if it was just for a day.

Blogging has become a chore.  It's become something I feel obligated to do for so many different reasons.  But lately I've found myself leaving my computer closed.  Drawing away from Facebook and Twitter.  Spending time with my family has made my Google reader over load.  But pulling away from the computer has helped  me in so many ways.  My husband and I are getting along the best we have in nine years.  The other day he said that all of our mushy texts and cuddling and hugging are because we are still in love.  Every day still feels like that honeymoon phase, those first few months.  I am so glad we got that back.  So glad that every single night when I get in bed he automatically opens his arms to cuddle with me.  I believe his actual words were that we were still "courting" each other.  He chose that word because he thought it was something Edward would say.  He told me that a lot of people who have been together nine years don't have what we have.  People who have been together a year don't have what we do. I wouldn't have found that if I was still sitting here on my computer.

I used to think my grandma sent Rob to me.  But lately I've started to think my birth father did.  I think he sent me Rob to make up for all the things he never did for me.  No matter what he did dead or alive he will never compare to my actual dad.  Never.  Truth is, I'm just as thankful for my dad as I am for my husband.  My birth dad has become a distant memory.  He has become a burden.  Having his name is a burden.  I want it gone.  I want to wash my hands of it.  I do know for sure that my grandma sent me my boys.  I know she did it to save me.  She must have known I would have gone to any length to become the mom I needed to be.  She had to have known I would turn myself around and let go for the sake of my boys.  Dead or alive she is still the best grandparent I'll ever had.  I've come to appreciate the blessings in my life.  My mom who is on my side no matter what.  My dad who will protect me always, even if it is silently.  I am thankful to have a husband who will spend the rest of our lives holding me and loving me no matter who I am.  Thankful I have two boys who love me unconditionally. Thankful for my best friends who have never left my side.  Friends who let me spend two and a half hours in a car talking about nothing but MIley Cyrus and music.  I don't need to write anymore to feel special.  I don't need to share my life anymore.  I need to keep it here inside of my heart and hope that all of this good will eventually push out the bad. 

So.  With great difficulty and sadness I have made the decision to stop blogging for now.  Not forever but for a long time.  I hope you keep me in your reader so you will know when I come back.  For now though I need to be with myself.  I need to work out my head.  I feel like I can only burden all of you so much talking about my crazy.  I can only write so many stories about my boys.  I've become repetitive and boring.

I have made some amazing friends from this blog.  Patty, Mathers, Jiff, Marnie, Christie.  All of them.  The thing is, we no longer communicate via blog, we text, or email, or or leave notes on Facebook.  I've realized I don't need the blog to communicate with them.

I have so many stories in my head.  Things I would love to get out.  Things that would amaze all of you.  Not being able to share them is starting to clog up my brain.

Yesterday I got in my car and drove two and a half hours alone to pick up Ginger.  I had my Miley Cyrus music, and the sound track to her movie blasting.  I had the windows down in a hail storm and the heater blasting.  I relaxed.  I knew in that moment I was done writing. I knew it was time to close the computer and find myself.  

I am doing something I never imagined I am walking away.  Again I hope you never lose my link because some day I could come back refreshed and anew.  I might come back ready to write again and be funny.  I might stop by here and there to let you know I'm still alive and well.  Besides that I will say goodbye for now.  

I will miss all of you.  I hope you can understand why I am leaving.  I hope doing this really helps me succeed in my journey.  I hope I am finally able to find some peace and put my head to rest.  I hope I will be able to spend every single second with my husband and kids.  My true family.  My family that will never walk away.  I hope I can find the courage to never break down in front of them again.  I hope so many things. 

If this post seems rambly its because it is.  I sat outside today and wrote this post a thousand times in my head.  It sounded so much better in my head.  I have the hardest time transcribing my head onto my blog.  The truth is I am witting this as fast as I can so I don't change my mind.

I love all of you.  Thank you to my loyal readers.  I will close my computer now, I don't plan to open it again until it is time to balance my check book.  And for now, I say goodbye.

Goodbye.

 

23 pieces of assvice

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NOTICE THE HAIR

5.20.2010

THAT IS THE LAST TIME I LEAVE HIM ALONE WITH HIS SAFETY SCISSORS

4 pieces of assvice

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